Pleasure
Sharing & Understanding Vulnerabilities
I was having lunch with a friend the other day. We were chatting about the friction that can arise in a relationship, whether we talk about our personal or professional environment.
It’s fair to assume that friction happens at some point. A complex situation, different characters, disagreement… Differences are often the catalyst of our flaws, fears, neurosis, and needs.
What happens when we feel kind of threatened or in danger, whether we admit it or not, is that we tend to ignore the situation and what it really means within that relationship, we fight against the other person like we’re right and they are wrong, or we tell to ourselves and others all the things that will reassure us.
It’s often the case between cofounders who are going through some friction and yet put everything under the carpet until it explodes to a point where it’s simply not repairable.
During that chat, my friend mentioned two interesting aspects, understanding and pleasure.
He also emphasized one critical aspect of any relationship. It’s very rarely a one-way street. Friction appears due to differences, to disagreements, rarely because one person caused the whole thing. Otherwise, it’s a fault, not a relationship issue.
Understanding is the basis. Do you know each other’s vulnerabilities and flaws? Did you ever address them? The easiest way is to go for a long drink or meal and to talk about moments of your past that marked you and why. It’s often from there that derive the reasons why we act a certain way in some situations, why we become defensive or seem to ignore the truth sometimes. Talk also about what makes you happy and what drives you crazy. Try to explore the extremes of both personalities in order to build bridges between your way of feeling, being, and doing.
Pleasure is what you are after. Why would you be with someone if you don’t find any pleasure in being or working with them. To me, that was the fundamental matter, it sounded so obvious, and yet I hadn’t realized it. I really loved how he addressed it: Did you ever find pleasure in being with that person or working with them? If the answer is negative, it’s interesting to dig into why you joined them because there might be a wrong pattern going on there. If the answer is positive, get back to those enjoyable moments again and try to understand how and why those encounters felt great. Then, dig into the things that raised friction and address them together. Very often, the trust that will arise from sharing your vulnerabilities will allow you to solve the dysfunctions of your relationship.
Now, imagine a group of people in a company experiencing some tension. I invite you to do the following exercise with someone who’s not involved in that group.
That person is the mediator, timekeeper, and note-taker.
They ask everyone to draw on a white page a representation of the organization, its people, and themselves.
The only rule to respect is that they have one blank page, at least one pen, and just 5 minutes to complete that exercise, the goal being not to overthink.
Then they are asked, one after the other, to show their drawings for the others to comment on what they believe they see or understand from the drawing. Then only can the person explain the meaning of their drawing.
The notes that were taken are then shared with the group in order for them to discuss their feelings and impressions
If they feel like it, the mediator can raise some questions or bring some observations or hypotheses, as long as they don’t come up with conclusions or affirmations.
Don’t let tensions arise for too long, they just drag you down. Always find your way to keep enjoying what you do :)